Basketball - Do you like this beginning?

Do you like this beginning?

Public Comments

wow thats really well writen and the weird thing is my princapal name is mr crawford and he used to be an eglish teacher!!
Okay, check your grammar. Like at the beggining "were" should have been "we're" We+are=we're. Were is used like this= Where were you? Were you sneaking around again? Were is like asking did you and yadda yadda, check your spelling, use shorter paragraphs, and make your sentences a little more pleasing to the ear. Other than that, pretty good. Keep trying :D
the beginning got me confused with the whole that shouldnt be a problem your daughter didnt care is mr. crawford her dad? that was the confusing part for me. good job keep writing
In my opinion it's pretty average. It seems to be one of the giant swell of high school stories that everyone wants to write but of course there is that one subtle difference between this high school story and everyone else's and it ends up being a Twilight-esque story. Now, this is probably not even remotely close to your intention when you wrote this but that's just what it sounds like to me. One problem I noticed in this hunk of verbiage is that the dialogue was not seperated correctly by new paragraphs every time someone new speaks. This confuses the hell out of anyone reading it, or at least it did me. I also thought that the introduction of the entire English class was unnecessary. What possible reason could you have to introduce the reader to a whole classroom in the first few pages? I also didn't really like the typical prom night. I just felt that a bigger conflict could have been introduced in this beginning. I don't want you to take this criticism badly, because that's not how I mean it. I'm just remarking on things that I saw as flaws. Hope this helps you to refine your story and make it even better.
Well I am warning you I am blunt, and brutally honest. So if you get your feelings hurt, I really want you to stop reading right now, because I don't think I could handle reading this either, I am not the nicest person. I will however give you constructive critisism. One, grammar, spelling, word missuse, big problems, and it is irritating to notice those while reading, have a few people read over and edit, it's not a big deal, but you should work on it. Second, you definately need a stronger begining, your opening sentence is boring, if I hadn't already commited to reading this, I wouldn't have read any farther. Third, Don't worry so much about giving a long history of every single character as you introduce them the first time in class. In TV shows it works great but in books, introducing them as it is convenient to the story, is much more practical, and interesting. Fourth, Being that your character is old enough to get into this kind of trouble, I would move up some of her childhood memories a little later in her childhood, because it seems rather unrealistic for her to still dwell on things from second and third grade. Fifth, (I told you I am not nice) Possibly due to the long intro to all the characters, I began to skim as apposed to actually reading. I think if you worked on your introductions this could be a really awesome story. You would attract Dirty Little Liars fans for sure. I hope my review wasn't to harsh. Good Luck!♥
that was awesome! Just needs some editing! Please e-mail me the rest of it cuz I really am interested in that novel and see what happens next
I'm going to be brutally honest: Your opening sentence couldn't have been any cheesier. It wasn't an effective hook, and didn't want to keep me reading. However, once I got past the first couple sentences (and past your attempts at witty comebacks), it was actually pretty good. Just try and work over your grammar and take out all of the annoying quips (trust me, they're only funny and they only make sense to the author).